Sunday, November 1, 2009

Waiting for the Next Shoe to Fall

Today I moved back in to my house in Fort Worth! Correction: Andrew and Joseph loaded up all my stuff and Andrew moved me back in. What great brothers. Love them! Already miss the family, but somehow at the same time, just thrilled to be back with my sweet roomies. Oh the paradox of college life...

So... I'm back here in Fort Worth, but I'm honestly not exactly sure what I'm doing. I am pretty sure that I won't be able to finish the semester. I am just realizing how much class I've missed. I've been in bare-minimum survival mode all semester. Any semester that starts two days after you got out of the hospital with an unresolved medical problem is bound to be interesting. Even before I missed 5 weeks, I was just barely staying on top of class work, so I am extremely behind.

This makes me feel really irresponsible, like I should have been more on top of my homework and studying all this time. What was I doing this semester? I was always "resting" (i.e., being lazy). I should have worked harder. What did I do in the hospital for nearly three weeks? Didn't study much, that's for sure. I'm frustrated with myself for not being more diligent all semester, but at the same time, when I did study, it was not very productive. I can count on one hand the number of nights I actually slept more than a few consecutive hours or days when I ate more than one decent meal or didn't feel like I was about to pass out or wasn't doubled over from my stomach hurting. I was in the doctor's office at least once a week, and the H-word (hospital) came up every single time. So I don't know if I should feel guilty or not. The thing is, I've been living sick for so long that I don't know what's realistic to expect and to achieve. But at the same time, I shouldn't be excused from anything or be a special case or something because I'm sick. That's so lame. And deep down inside, I know that I tend to be lazy. Surely there were some days when I should have gotten out of bed and done some real work. I don't know... it's hard to know. School is something where God helps, but I have to be faithful to put forth the effort. I don't know if I've done that or not. I can't tell if this semester was Him putting limitations on me and making it impossible, or if I was just being lazy and He wanted me to be diligent and push through it.

I don't know what happens now or anything. I am going to talk to all my professors over the next few days and see what their thoughts on the matter are. I am getting less-than-encouraging emails back so far. My ideal would be finishing three out of my five classes. If I can do that, I will still be able to graduate in May. If not, then I will have to graduate even later than that. I'm just starting to realize that this will be hard. Very hard. I need wisdom and faith... so I'm asking God for that. I know that all this is in His plan. I'm not disappointed -- except with myself a little -- and I'm not depressed or angry about this at all. I'd love to see what God has in store for me. I honestly have no idea what it is! But each day, I pray He'll give me opportunities to shine for Him - maybe even as I talk to my professors. Please pray with me for God's direction in my life and that I would glorify Him no matter the outcome. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes - gonna try to attend my 4 classes that meet tomorrow and talk to some professors.

Hannah ;)

1 comment:

  1. Don't be to hard on yourself Hannah. You are a one of a kind girl and God knows your heart. You try your hardest and everyone knows that. Keep seeking God and He will direct your path. You are one amazing girl! Love you lots and wish I could move back in the house with you :)