So... I'm back here in Fort Worth, but I'm honestly not exactly sure what I'm doing. I am pretty sure that I won't be able to finish the semester. I am just realizing how much class I've missed. I've been in bare-minimum survival mode all semester. Any semester that starts two days after you got out of the hospital with an unresolved medical problem is bound to be interesting. Even before I missed 5 weeks, I was just barely staying on top of class work, so I am extremely behind.
This makes me feel really irresponsible, like I should have been more on top of my homework and studying all this time. What was I doing this semester? I was always "resting" (i.e., being lazy). I should have worked harder. What did I do in the hospital for nearly three weeks? Didn't study much, that's for sure. I'm frustrated with myself for not being more diligent all semester, but at the same time, when I did study, it was not very productive. I can count on one hand the number of nights I actually slept more than a few consecutive hours or days when I ate more than one decent meal or didn't feel like I was about to pass out or wasn't doubled over from my stomach hurting. I was in the doctor's office at least once a week, and the H-word (hospital) came up every single time. So I don't know if I should feel guilty or not. The thing is, I've been living sick for so long that I don't know what's realistic to expect and to achieve. But at the same time, I shouldn't be excused from anything or be a special case or something because I'm sick. That's so lame. And deep down inside, I know that I tend to be lazy. Surely there were some days when I should have gotten out of bed and done some real work. I don't know... it's hard to know. School is something where God helps, but I have to be faithful to put forth the effort. I don't know if I've done that or not. I can't tell if this semester was Him putting limitations on me and making it impossible, or if I was just being lazy and He wanted me to be diligent and push through it.
I don't know what happens now or anything. I am going to talk to all my professors over the next few days and see what their thoughts on the matter are. I am getting less-than-encouraging emails back so far. My ideal would be finishing three out of my five classes. If I can do that, I will still be able to graduate in May. If not, then I will have to graduate even later than that. I'm just starting to realize that this will be hard. Very hard. I need wisdom and faith... so I'm asking God for that. I know that all this is in His plan. I'm not disappointed -- except with myself a little -- and I'm not depressed or angry about this at all. I'd love to see what God has in store for me. I honestly have no idea what it is! But each day, I pray He'll give me opportunities to shine for Him - maybe even as I talk to my professors. Please pray with me for God's direction in my life and that I would glorify Him no matter the outcome. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes - gonna try to attend my 4 classes that meet tomorrow and talk to some professors.