I'm not deathly ill, struggling to survive.
I'm just annoyingly uncomfortable, struggling to find joy.
Squirt has been being quite naughty, prolapsing frequently (Gross alert: means my intestines start coming out of my body. I can sorta push them back in, but then just pop back out. Squirt doesn't "work" when this happens, so then I start feeling sick and crampy. Plus, it's just really, really freaky when your insides come out).
My J pouch is not feeling better. It is making me crazy. I want it out of my body. Now. But that would mean keeping Squirt forever. While Squirt and I have had a reasonably amicable relationship, due to his recent misbehavior, we're not on speaking terms. The idea of having an ostomy forever is not high on my wish list.
The mass is pushing up against my organs and stuff, causing back pain and pelvic pain and UTI symptoms. I'm waiting to hear back from three different doctors on what happens next for the J pouch, the mass, and the kidney infection symptoms.
Today I am not a happy camper. I am happy that I no longer have UC. I'm happy that I can eat. I'm happy that I do not have so much bloody diarrhea that I'm continually dizzy and sick and in pain. But that doesn't make this new stuff any more fun. I think that the steroids (or lack thereof) are playing with my emotions, as I historically get pretty depressed for a while as I taper off and for a month or two thereafter. So I'm sure my perspective is skewed.
But today, I really feel like there are no good answers. That no matter what, I'll be stuck feeling uncomfortable for the rest of my life. That they won't be able to fix me.
Maybe there aren't any good answers. Maybe I'll be like this forever. Then I'll know that's what God has chosen for me. That's what will be best for me and bring Him the most glory. But today, I'm struggling to find joy in that. I'm choosing to trust and believe, even though I don't understand. I am learning to BE joyful even if I don't FEEL joyful.