Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Struggling for Joy

I'm struggling.

I'm not deathly ill, struggling to survive.

I'm just annoyingly uncomfortable, struggling to find joy.

Squirt has been being quite naughty, prolapsing frequently (Gross alert: means my intestines start coming out of my body. I can sorta push them back in, but then just pop back out. Squirt doesn't "work" when this happens, so then I start feeling sick and crampy. Plus, it's just really, really freaky when your insides come out).

My J pouch is not feeling better. It is making me crazy. I want it out of my body. Now. But that would mean keeping Squirt forever. While Squirt and I have had a reasonably amicable relationship, due to his recent misbehavior, we're not on speaking terms. The idea of having an ostomy forever is not high on my wish list.

The mass is pushing up against my organs and stuff, causing back pain and pelvic pain and UTI symptoms. I'm waiting to hear back from three different doctors on what happens next for the J pouch, the mass, and the kidney infection symptoms.

Today I am not a happy camper. I am happy that I no longer have UC. I'm happy that I can eat. I'm happy that I do not have so much bloody diarrhea that I'm continually dizzy and sick and in pain. But that doesn't make this new stuff any more fun. I think that the steroids (or lack thereof) are playing with my emotions, as I historically get pretty depressed for a while as I taper off and for a month or two thereafter. So I'm sure my perspective is skewed.

But today, I really feel like there are no good answers. That no matter what, I'll be stuck feeling uncomfortable for the rest of my life. That they won't be able to fix me.

Maybe there aren't any good answers. Maybe I'll be like this forever. Then I'll know that's what God has chosen for me. That's what will be best for me and bring Him the most glory. But today, I'm struggling to find joy in that. I'm choosing to trust and believe, even though I don't understand. I am learning to BE joyful even if I don't FEEL joyful.

Hannah ;)


  1. Hann Buh-nan! I miss you and love you so much. I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you.

  2. Hannah,
    I am so sorry you have to go through all this it totally sucks and you have every right to be frustrated. Remember that things happen for a reason and hopefully this is not forever.
    You are in my prayers constantly and I just pray that we both will be healthy and "normal" again soon. I am thinking of you always and take some joy in knowing that you are loved and blessed with so many of us who care about you! I hope you feel better soon. (oh and now you have made me totally paranoid that my stoma is popping out lol). Don't forget your not alone, please call if you ever want to cry, talk, vent, or anything!


  3. Macall: Thanks so much for the encouragement. I love you just incredibly and I'm so thankful for your constant care and support. You are BOMBAY.

    Steph: Yaaaaay colon-less buddy! We are both gonna get there - just getting thru one day at a time. Thanks so much for bein' so awesome and understanding! And don't worry, I think your stoma will be fine! And Cindy told me to wear tights, and it works to keep him in!