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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning

Yesterday was awful. There's just no other way to say it. I was so exhausted that I stayed in my pajamas until about 4 pm. My kidneys and stuff were bothering me, although that feels better with pain medicine. I was dizzy (from steroids?). My J pouch was just one continual spasm. The best way I can describe it is this: have you ever had the ever-awkward rectal exam? Have you ever really, really had to go to the bathroom - like about to have an accident have to go? Combine those two horribly uncomfortable feelings, add in spasms in that area, and that's how it feels. It was just happening occasionally for like five minute periods, but since the weekend, it's been ALL THE TIME. It's to the point that I'd gladly have surgery tomorrow to take out the J pouch and live with Squirt forever. I can hardly concentrate on anything else. Nothing has been making the spasms and uncomfortable feeling go away. Nothing. Not laying, not standing, not trying to "go" to the bathroom (even though, since my surgery, it is physically impossible for me to poop that way), not hot baths, not vicodin, nothing.

On Tuesday, I told Dr. A how much it's bothering me, and so yesterday he called in a prescription for Valium for me. Valium? Seriously?!? I was so desperate for some relief (and some uninterrupted sleep) that I took some last night. And I slept. The spasms only woke me up once before 5:30. By 5:30, the J pouch was back to driving me nuts again, but I got six and a half hours of sleep. Amazing. I felt like new person.

Today has been a lot better, so I've taken full advantage of being functional. I made 6 different kinds of Christmas goodies with Sarah, finished Christmas shopping, went for a breathtakingly gorgeous walk in the woods in the snow with Joseph, decorated the tree, had great family time, including the ritual reading of The Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming: A Christmas Story, and now I'm curled up by the fire having my Jesus time, blogging, and drinking hot apple cider. ;) What's not to love? If nothing else, the bad days make me just live up the better days!! I appreciate them so much, and I feel like I have to squeeze in all the life I can into those days in case I don't have another one for a while. I'm thankful that God chose to give me some relief today.

This evening the J pouch is back to its nasty little games, so I'll probably drug up again here in a sec. Hopefully the Valium will sort of break up the cycle of the spasms and discomfort after a few days. It's NOT something I'd like to take for very long. I'm really sad because I had surgery with the hope of not needing to take medicine to get through the day/night. It doesn't seem like that's happening yet. But I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. I'm just going to do what I need to do to get through each day. And enjoy amazingly wonderful days like today!

Hannah ;)


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