Sunday, January 24, 2010

I don't wanna.

I'm lazy.

If I could, I would spend all day just sleeping and laying (or lying? I can never remember. But lying is bad, I'm told...) around.

This was what I was afraid of. That after surgery, I'd get lazy. Now it's happened, and I don't know how to get out of this.

I'm not working hard at all, but I'm exhausted all the time. My body hurts. I can't focus. I can't think straight. I forget everything. My brain is all mushy.

Then I remember. This complete apathy and inability to focus and tiredness happens to me every time I come down off steroids. Why? I don't know.

But that doesn't make my apathy and laziness and lack of focus right. Where do I draw the line? Where does it become sinful for me to give up on studying because it is so hard for me to get anything into my head? When is it wrong for me to take that nap or sleep in because I can, to the degree that time with the Lord, study time, or nutrition suffers (I get so tired I'd rather sleep than eat. Therefore, I've lost four pounds since I came back to school)? Clearly there's a line. I just don't know where it is.

Do I push myself? Do I not? I want to work out. But I'm so tired that I don't even want to get out of bed. I study for hours and accomplish close to nothing. It's so frustrating. Then I get a bad attitude and don't even want to try, because I feel like there's no point.

Soooo... here's my practical list of things to do this week to help myself get going:

  • Get out of the house by 9:30 on MWF (the days I don't have morning classes) to study/work out/do something productive. That's plenty of time to sleep a lot if I need to, but still get a few hours of homework in before classes start at 12.
  • Spend two hours a day studying outside my house.
  • Make lunch the night before! Even if I'm tired! Especially if I'm tired!
  • No matter what, spend time with the Lord in prayer and in the Word every day. No excuses.
With God's help, I hope to get out of this cycle of apathy and laziness. I can't control how my brain works (or doesn't work) or when my body feels tired or hurts. BUT - the circumstances don't matter. I can be content and honor God in my attitudes and reactions in any and every circumstance through Him who strengthens me (Philippians 4). God doesn't tell me to do things only when I want to and when they are easy. I do them because they are RIGHT in His eyes.

So excuse me... I need to pack lunch and finish my homework for tomorrow. ;)

Hannah ;)

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