Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Grumpy Post

So... I'm still awake... my J pouch is just spasming like crazy. Sorry for TMI, but it feels like having hiccups down there plus I'm on the verge of having an accident all the time. It's a very not fun way to live. And makes it hard to sleep when you're about to have an accident! Arg, this is one of the reasons why I had surgery - to get rid of that feeling! Poor inflamed, sick little J pouch. The last few times, the antibiotics helped within 12 hours of taking the first one, so I'm kinda frustrated that they are not really helping much yet. I know I should probably give it more time. I'm just going slightly crazy from feeling like this all the time.

My stomach hurt a little bit today, but it passed pretty quickly, which is good. Hopefully just a fluke... I'm pretty sure I have some scar tissue from surgery or something that's causing the stomach pain.

Today I started making a list of questions I need to ask my surgeon. They're the kind of questions that no 22 year old should have to ask their doctor... things I don't want to have to deal with, calls I don't want to make, quality of life issues... I'm having a slight pity party right now, sorry. I don't want a permanent ileostomy. But I don't know if I would be willing to consider doing lifelong antibiotics (which aren't even really working) or the next step, immunosuppressants, just to avoid an ostomy. But then, I don't know how much it will affect my body if I lose the foot or so of intestine that makes up Twitchy. Will I have enough guts left? I know that people everywhere have to deal with much tougher stuff than this, but right now, tonight, to me, it seems like a big deal.

I call, You hear me,
I've lost it all, and it's more than I can bear.
I feel so empty.
You're strong, I'm weary,
I'm holding on, but I feel like giving in,
But still you're with me.

And even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow,
I will hold tight to the hand of Him whose love will comfort me,
And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle,
He is all the strength that I will ever need.
He will carry me.

I know I'm broken,
But you alone can bear this heart of mine.
You're always with me.

And even though I feel so lonely,
Like I have never been before,
You never said it would be easy,
But You said You'd see me through the storm.

Hannah ;)

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