Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Spiritual Side

This post may or may not make sense, but I wanted to give you a glimpse into what I'm really feeling as I'm going through all this. Maybe it only makes sense to me... I can't tell with my twisted, musing, under-the-influence-of not much-blood-and-lots-of-meds mind. ;) But I just wanted to share how God has been encouraging me lately.

After my conversation with the PA, I made a slightly freaked-out phone call to a roomie: "Oh gosh, what if I stay sick forever or have to drop out of the semester and have more surgery and have an ostomy forever and run out of enough guts to get by with or...." but by the end of like five minutes, God grabbed ahold of me and reminded me: "Hannah. You do not need to "what if." You do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while, then vanishes away."

The Spirit has continued to lead me to some incredible passages this week, like Psalm 77. The guy is writing about just crying to God in the night and feeling like He's not listening. Then he realizes, God hasn't changed at all. He starts remembering all the great things God has done for His people. And his perspective changes. It kind of reminded me of my reaction. I'm not proud of my sinful "what if" moments, but it's so cool how God can change them into glorifying Himself as I start to remember how great He is.

This is a sort of rabbit trail, but I think a divinely-guided one, so bear with me: I've been slightly obsessed with Romans 5:1-11 (my hope passage) for ages, so I just keep reading it over and over- as Matt Chandler would say, it's a warm blanket to the soul. ;) So I've been studying all around it, too. And there's this phrase in Romans 6:17 that has just stuck with me. It talks about how since we know and follow Christ, we've "become obedient from the heart." And that reminded me of another passage, Hebrews 5:8, where it says that Jesus "learned obedience through the things which He suffered." And I thought, so God wants me to learn to be obedient from the heart. Jesus learned obedience through suffering... uh huh, ya makin' the same connection I did? ;)

Which brings me to another favorite passage, Philippians 3, written by Paul, this guy who lost literally everything - his job, his identity, his dignity, absolutely everything he'd worked his entire life for - to follow Jesus. He writes that he considered all the stuff he lost up as rubbish compared to the value of knowing Christ. Now, I find it slightly hilarious that the word "rubbish" he chose actually translates more like a strong version of the word "crap." That's right, all my UC and pouchitis crap is just that - crap - compared to knowing Christ. And it's so true. And that brings me peace. And a giggle.

Okay, so thanks for reading all that. ;) Today I meet with Dr. A, so please pray for that he will be able to wisely plan the next course of action. I also contacted my GI Dr, and will be seeing him soon as well to get his perspective on this.

Hannah ;)

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