Monday, April 5, 2010

Here At The Wall

Hi, everybody!

The last week has been truly awful, pain and energy-wise. I finally hit a wall I can't push through. I'm talking to all my professors about taking incompletes in my classes and finishing next fall. I will finish as much as I can this semester, but not stress if I can't take all my tests. This is a big bummer, since I'm SO CLOSE to graduating, but of course God knows what He's doing. Mainly, I think He's tearing down my pride in my grades and ability to push through anything.

I've been crashing every day, and between the constant pain and the crashing, it is nearly impossible to focus or sit up or study. Often I'm so tired and hurting so much by the time I get to class that I physically can't take notes. Please pray that my professors are willing to accommodate me.

I saw the Endo Dr. The lack of communication from their office has been really frustrating, and this visit has made me think that it's not just the Endo NP who is unhelpful. I had to drag answers to my questions out of him. He honestly didn't have any helpful suggestions. He wouldn't tell me why he was drawing the labs he wanted to run, and he suggested adding in a new med, but he didn't know what kind of med it even was and didn't know if it would interact with what I'm already taking. I was unimpressed. I asked him what I can do differently to be functional and feel less shaky. He told me he has no idea why I feel so yucky and didn't know what to tell me to do besides continuing to take my meds. I felt like he was really brushing me off. "I appreciate that you don't feel well. So I'll see you next week. Wow, you're really trembling! Your heart rate is through the roof!"

It was frustrating, and I roid raged to my poor mommy about it all the way home. Neither one of us was impressed with his doctoring. But my reaction of anger was wrong... sorry you had to hear that, Mom... I have those darn reminders to myself on my desk still - the one about trusting God, not the means He provides has definitely been on my mind. I had built up a hope that this visit would bring an answer to the pain and feeling horribly shaky and weak and exhausted stuff... and it didn't. But really, my hope should never rest in a doctor or a pill or anything but God Himself. I have to remember that.

Anyways, the plan is to alternate days with the steroids: cut them in half three days a week, and stay at the current dosage the other four days. For me, days I cut back tend to be really rough on my "special," hyper-sensitive body - I time the drop to be on weekends so I can recover from the "run over by a truck" feeling - so I'm a little worried that all this up and down will send me for a loop, especially since I'm already really low on energy. On the other hand, I've never tried the alternate day dosage plan, so I'm very hopeful that this will do the trick and "wake up" my natural steroids.

Although I'm feeling quite poorly and really hurting (can't get relief even though I'm stoned out of my mind most of the time, lol), some things ARE improving! I am gaining a bit of weight finally (I'm on three different meds that can cause increased appetite - seems to help!), which is great, and my stomach seems to be settling down and digesting stuff properly. I haven't had a blockage in a few WEEKS, which is fantastic! Twitchy is also doing a little better! He is definitely sick and hurting, but not horribly concerning like he was just a few days ago. I've also been having these awful headaches, but I've been headache-free since Monday, yay.

I am trying some simple changes this week... Doing something just for fun every day. Hanging out with a friend. Being outside. I need to relax and rest and recharge, but I think that doing that by being alone in my room all the time is not doing me any favors!

I need wisdom so badly to make decisions about school, deciding what meds to take or not take, what doctors to call/see/part ways with... James wrote that we should consider it all joy when we encounter trials, since the testing of our faith produces endurance. Then he said, "If anyone lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him." God is so good and faithful to bring trials to build faith, and then gives wisdom if I just ask! What a loving Father. Please pray for me and my family as we ponder all these decisions!

Julia had a fantastic day the other day - keep praying that things will continue to stay that way! I hope that this is her "new normal," 'cause it sounds like she is doing great!

Hannah ;)

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