Tuesday, June 8, 2010

"Quiet weekends, holidays/ You come undone/Open your window and look upon/ All the kinds of alive you can be..."

Ugh, well, as soon as I wrote about making progress... I've had a couple bad days. Guess I shouldn't have said anything, haha! ;) My joints all swelled up and have been really hurting, fever came back, nausea came back, tummy's quite unhappy, feel like I got hit by a truck. It's kinda frustrating to have such bad days and be hurting so much. I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong...

The good news is that I have been sleeping better! Yeah, it's a drug induced sleep (my mom enjoys watching how fast the meds kick in after I take them), but I'll take it. I can deal with life much better when I sleep. ;) The bummer is that the meds make me feel groggy and slow all day. I tried just taking half the pill, but unfortunately, I'm still in too much pain to sleep without totally knocking myself out. It's a little frustrating, but for now, the choices are feeling stuck in slow-mo all day or being awake all night in a lot of pain. I choose slow-mo, and I'm being thankful that we've found something to help me sleep, although I'm really not a fan of how it makes me feel.

I have a scope on Friday to check my J pouch out. Since I'm not having surgery for a while, they will have to do this periodically, both to keep an eye on the pouchitis and to, um, make sure that the pouch isn't closing off. How do you think they'll bill that one to insurance? "Rear end dilation"? Haha... no one would ever believe my life!! ;) Dr. A said either he or GI Dr could do the scope. I told him that they could play rock, paper, scissors for the honor after I'm out cold. ;)

So.. I've been off school and work for about 4 weeks now. And I've learned a lot about myself. I don't do nothing well. It has been convicting to see how quickly I got depressed and bored. If God is the central most important thing in my life, then my circumstances should not matter at all! God's been showing me that I've been filling my life with things - school, work, friends, activities - and deriving my sense of meaning and purpose from them. When He takes them away, I'm discontent and longing for more. That's been a painful realization. And I'm striving to change and have Him occupy His rightful place at the center of my life. I want Him to fill my life and heart and flavor every moment of my day and every activity I do!

Hannah ;)

1 comment:

  1. Amen sista... you bring so much light and insight to my life. I can't wait to talk to you again and see you very very soon!