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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Discouraged

Unfortunately, I am feeling very discouraged. My joints and muscles are hurting more again. It's raining, so I guess that's to be expected... I just really hoped that this surgery would put the inflammation in remission. My stomach has not been doing very well - it's hurting more again - hurting like it did before I had surgery. The pain we thought was due to obstructions or something is coming back. I am really struggling with disappointment that surgery has not exactly been a miracle fix. The only difference is that I don't have a bleeding J pouch... but I still have stiff, achey joints and muscles, I'm nauseated and my stomach hurts.

I am still stuck on rice cereal and jello - even that is hurting my stomach, so there's been no talk of tapering off TPN just yet. My white count started going back up again last night, and my stomach feels more "sore" and painful in general, so I'm hoping that some of these symptoms are just from the infection being out of control. The doctors are discussing the addition of yet another antibiotic to try to get rid of this infection. The drain continues to drain, which indicates that there is still yucky infection in my abdomen.

Lest I post completely negative stuff, allow me to update that I am way less swollen. I didn't have knees or ankles for the first week and a half out of surgery. The fluid balance there has been improving since I started the TPN and have been more mobile. My stomach is also going down - I felt like I was about 38 weeks pregnant. My stomach was so swollen that my incision was pulling apart and I literally couldn't breathe at times! It has shrunken considerably since the procedure to drain the larger-than-softball-sized abscess - hmm... think that was compressing things a little? I am more mobile each day - I can get in and out of bed and bend and stuff with relative ease. The last thing to come back is the ability to sit! I'm so sore! Today, I sat for about an hour for the first time since surgery. Progress!

I feel so very overwhelmed if I allow myself to think about the future... I just can't imagine feeling this way forever. I hoped so much that this surgery would bring relief. I know it's probably too soon to say one way or the other...I am continually disciplining my mind to refocus. There are only two things I can focus on without becoming anxious: one is right now, on today, on this moment. To not worry about the rest of my life or next week or tomorrow... or even the next hour. To make myself stay in the present - to look for who and what God has for me RIGHT NOW (Matthew 6:34, James 4:13-15). The other thing I can focus on is what will never change - who God is, what He has done for me (see the Psalms. Like all of them). God gives me peace with this super close-up vision and super long-distance vision.

Hannah ;)

2 comments:

  1. Hey Hannah...I'm so sorry to hear about the stormy news :/. 'Guess it's not just raining outside, eh? Hang in there, friend, and know I'm (and we're) praying for you! Breath by breath, step by step, the Lord will carry you through. If you can find it online, check out Mark Schultz' song, "He Will Carry Me". My surgery several years back wasn't half the trial that you've persevered through, but that song was my anthem. And if you need some amateur entertainment, check out my flood report videos on Facebook or YouTube (www.youtube.com/user/cmgurley) :).

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  2. Isaiah 53:4 "Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows." I know this ultimately refers to Christ's work on the Cross for us, and that you are eternally healed. But I am praying the Lord would take up your physical pain today and carry your discouragement so that you might have peace today and hope for brighter days ahead. "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." (Rom 5:5)

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