Monday, October 18, 2010

Home Again... Think it Will "Stick" This Time?

So... I'm HOME! Just got here. ;)

My white count jumped back up this morning, so there was some talk of keeping me there or sending me home with my PICC line in and on IV antibiotics, but Infectious Disease came up with a high-powered antibiotic cocktail for me to take. Of course, those designer antibiotics are approximately equivalent in cost to putting a down payment on a house, but what am I going to do? Not take them and let the infection kill me? ;)

I'm struggling right now with my "reality." I started this new job about two weeks ago... but if you'll recall, I've spent a fair amount of those two weeks in the hospital. They are willing to work with me, but are not so impressed with me so far. I'm not so impressed with me so far. I just don't know what to tell them. They have shifts to cover, they have a business to run. I can't say with any certainty that this will be the last time I'll be in the hospital or have "sick days." And that isn't fair to them, but I can't do anything about it. I know that me being unreliable makes them unreliable, and they can't run a business that way. So I don't know what to do or what to say. But I'm sad. I hate that I put everyone around me out with my disease: people at school, family, friends, people at work. I'm frustrated with letting people down... with my body letting me down.

Honestly, though, I am not in control of any of this. God is. And His plans will succeed.. whether I am able to keep this job or not, I know His plans will be accomplished. It's truly outside of my control, and I just need to trust Him! Last night, I was reading one of my favorite passages, Matthew 5 and 6. Such a great reminder that God honors meekness, humility, brokenness... things we tend to dislike and truly try to avoid. God calls us to not worry about tomorrow. He takes care of even the birds and the flowers... how much more will He care for us?

Hannah ;)

1 comment:

  1. Hey Hannah. We will be next door tomorrow night! I'll be over for a cup of crushed ice. Talk to you then. Love you.