My shirt today about sums it up...
This was my FAVORITE (if mildly obnoxious/borderline inappropriate) shirt to wear anytime I was in the hospital during my battle with Twitchy's pouchitis. Twitchy was was both literally and figuratively a continuous pain in the rear. In case you were wondering, the shirt was a gift... I'll letcha guess who gave it to me... Anyways, my doctors seemed to always get a kick out of it. They'd come in, ask how I was feeling, and I'd tell them, "Read my shirt!" ;)
Today I'm frustrated and sad... this weekend I've been really uncomfortable. ;(
***GROSS ALERT - you may wish to skip the next paragraph.***
Remember how I've had TWO major surgeries to make it so I wouldn't poop blood? Well... that continues to be a fail. ;) I feel like I have to have a bowel movement - or rather, an accident - every few minutes. You see, one of the abscesses has formed a fistula (connection) with what's left of my rectum and with other stuff down there, so nothing can heal up. The result is that I continuously have the feeling that I have to go to the bathroom as the abscess continues to drain. It's uncomfortable and annoying and gross. Dr. Sidekick called me this week, and we talked about it... unfortunately, there's really nothing that they can/want to do about this until they are sure that the infection from the abscesses is totally gone. Then, we will wait a few months and see if the connections close off on their own. If not, then we'd consider surgery to fix this. So it's gonna be a while before this goes away, and it will probably involve more unpleasant procedures.
In other news, we've officially decided that I will do the rest of my surgery follow ups with Dr. Sidekick instead of Dr. A. Dr. A has a sort of relaxed, hands-off, "let's see how you do on your own without any intervention" approach that I initially appreciated very much. But it hasn't really worked out well for me, since my body is so "different" and responds so unexpectedly to things. Between his philosophy and my body's wackiness, we haven't had very good chemistry. It just seems like he repeatedly has not taken my concerns seriously until things got very out of hand. I feel strangely guilty about making this small change, but I know it's the right decision for me to be a good steward of my body.
I'm also continuing to have adrenal issues and my pain is pretty bad. I just feel so yucky and tired and out of it. Tomorrow I am going to see the rheumatologist. It's good that I'm seeing someone. I feel like I'm starting to crash again, so I think our best plan is nipping this in the bud somehow before I really crash. I don't know how the nipping should take place... but maybe she will know! She is really good at coordinating all my doctors, so I'm hoping she can call the appropriate ones and they can come up with some sort of plan together. She also knows that I am frustrated with falling through the cracks with doctors. I was supposed to see her again this week, but her next available appointment was in the middle of January. A few days after I made that appointment, her nurse called and said Rheumy didn't want me to have to wait that long, so she's squeezing me in tomorrow. I appreciate that quite a bit! Hopefully she will have some brilliant ideas for how to fix me, or at least get me feeling a little bit better again! ;)
So, overall, I'm a little bit sad today. I'm getting a little nostalgic thinking about this time last year, when I was so hopeful about the future and about getting healthy. If there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that my hope simply cannot rest in this life or this body! If my hope were in those things, you should feel very sorry for me, because honestly, this body I have is not that great!
But this life is not an end unto itself. It is merely a means to know Christ. In Philippians 3, Paul says that he counted all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of three things: knowing Christ Jesus, gaining Christ Jesus, and being found in Christ Jesus. How does that happen? God calls us to devalue everything this life has to offer. Jesus said that everyone who wishes to follow Him must deny himself and take up his cross - an instrument of death! That's scary. As you think about your own life, if God asked, would you really willingly to give up -- live contentedly without -- all the things you have? Possessions, luxuries, abilities, dreams, family, health, job, your life itself? Paul lost everything for Christ - his job, his respectability, his freedom, and eventually, his life. He wanted to know Christ in the fellowship of his sufferings, being conformed to His death. That's not a pretty picture. But it is so worth it to know, to be found in, and to gain Christ. And if we can only know Christ by losing our grip on things we have or want in this life, that loss is so insignificant in light of what we gain. How could I really want something God doesn't want me to have? Isn't He worth so much more? Although I would rather not be hurting and sick, I pray He continues to chip away at me and my desires until His will becomes what I want!