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Monday, March 7, 2011

Pain

Let's start with the good news... my joints have been getting way less stiff since last week! It's really great! I can walk so much better and my joints just feel stronger. I think my arthritis flare is calming back down. Unfortunately, I've been having tons of pain - not just my joints, but the all-over body pain I had last spring. You know, the pain that landed me in the hospital and was treated with Fentanyl patches? Yeah, that pain. ;( Also, my stomach has been really hurting off and on where the abscess is.

Last Monday, I decided to be a maverick or a stoic or something and cut back a teeny bit on steroids. So Monday afternoon through Tuesday night, I was a shaky, salt craving mess. There's a "feeling bad" that I can tolerate and push through, and then there's "crash and burn." This was definitely in the "crash and burn" category. Also, I think that if I'm low on steroids, my pain gets magnified. I'm just frustrated because I'm supposed to be trying to taper down off steroids...but I just can't seem to go down even a miniscule amount without my body hitting a wall.

I also started two different medications last week - one is a different NSAID - an anti inflammatory for the arthritis, and the other one is to protect my stomach against the NSAID. One of my pet peeves is taking meds to combat side effects of other meds. It just seems so silly. But that's another story. Anyways, I think that maybe my body just doesn't like those new meds.

On Friday, I just worked in the morning. I went home and got right in bed... at 2:00 pm. I slept til 6, ate some dinner, and went back to bed. That pretty much sums up my weekend. Sunday, I really wanted to go to church, but couldn't make it in the morning. I slept all day, got up and got dressed in the evening... and barely made it through church. I was just so tired and hurting so much. I went home... I hadn't been in that much pain in months, and nothing I was doing was helping. I just felt horrible.

Thankfully... after taking a ridiculous cocktail of meds, God allowed me to go to sleep. And I slept all night. And I woke up feeling... not good, but so much better! I decided to stop the new meds, in case they were making me feel bad, and I took extra steroids today. It's been a better day. Still quite a bit more pain than my "normal," but I was able to function and made it through the day, praise God. I am still totally exhausted, despite the fact that I slept virtually all weekend long. That's frustrating, but oh well!

I'm frustrated with my body... I'm so tired of being in pain all the time and pretending that I'm fine... I'm frustrated with people telling me that I "look so good" when I feel so awful... I'm frustrated with my doctors, who can't seem to figure out what's going on and suggest I look into counseling because they can't figure out how to make me feel better... I'm frustrated because I really don't want to find out what the tests they run will show or not show...

But then I have to do a reality check. Who made me? Who has designed this circumstance that I'm in? Who has promised to work all things together for the good of those who love Him? Who promises to complete His work in me?

It's really not about me and my comfort... it's about Him. It's about His glory.

Please keep me in your prayers... that I will keep my attitude right and my eyes fixed on Him.

Hannah ;)

4 comments:

  1. God's word sustains the weary.

    God's word and my prayer for you...(from Isaiah 51:3)
    The Lord will surely comfort Hannah
    and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
    He will make her deserts like Eden,
    her wastelands like the garden of the Lord.
    Joy and gladness will be found in her,
    thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

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  2. Clothe yourself with strength. The Lord will pierce "that monster" through. He dried up the sea and made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over. Our God is a God of the impossible. He will defeat those "monsters" of fear and pain and doubt and discouragement. He made a way for His people when I'm sure it all seemed impossible. God can and will do the impossible for His people. THEN...Gladness and joy will overtake us, and sorrow and sighing will flee away. (from Isaiah 51:9-11) Praying for your strength and that your sorrow and sighing will flee away and you will be overtaken with gladness and joy as God takes you through the waters of the great deep.

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  3. Well, I am glad to find your blog, although unfortunately we're not finding you in the best of circumstances. However, please keep writing and updating. Our colitis experience is another side of the coin, but your stories and experiences are worth reading, and hopefully we'll all learn something from each other.

    Heal well!

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  4. @Toni: thank you so much for pointing me to God's promises! He is so good!

    @Bonnie and Troy: Thank you for your sweet comment. Praying for your little son! Don't let my story scare you! ;) It sounds like y'all are managing his UC so well- that is fantastic!

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