Sunday, April 10, 2011

Roid Rage... (and this time it's not ME raging)

Today I got some much-needed rest! I took quite a long nap, which was awesome! In the hospital, they wake you up so often for stuff that you only sleep in hour chunks!

My CT scan looked okay; there's a fluid collection in my pelvis, but they think that it's not a problem. That weird tummy pain has improved, but it's been a rough day with the muscle/joint pain. And get this.... my white count it NORMAL!!! That is so fantastic! Dr. Saturday was so happy about this and said it might not even be necessary to do IV antibiotics at home - maybe just oral! The final decision about antibiotics rests with Dr. Star Trek, however.

I'm doing the infamous "calorie count" again to see if I'm eating enough to go home without TPN. I'm not a huge fan of the food they bring me and I'm really struggling with nausea, so this is a challenge and a source of frustration for me.

Dr. Saturday and I butted heads this morning about the steroids... culminating with him raising his voice, saying I was destroying my body and he wouldn't negotiate on this at all, and stalking out of my room. He just wouldn't listen to anything I had to say... and, to be fair, I wasn't really willing to listen to him, either. He wants to take me off steroids very rapidly, which I think is a horrible idea.

After some thought and prayer, I've decided to see if he will meet me in the middle and decrease more than I'm comfortable with, but less than what he wants. I did this today, so we'll see how tomorrow goes. No doctor I have understands my steroid issues, because, frankly, my story does not make "textbook" sense, and I don't understand it, either! But I know my body and what works and what doesn't. Every new doctor is convinced that they can fix the steroid issues.

Dr. Saturday is right; I do have to keep trying to get off steroids. I have to be more willing to try. I just want to do it a whole lot slower than he wants. Please pray for this conversation to go well tomorrow morning... this morning was simply AWFUL. ;( Also pray because I did start tapering today and it may hit me tomorrow. Dr. Saturday theorizes that tapering will be much easier now that the infection is going away... I pray he is right! Maybe this is the answer and I'll be able to get off the silly steroids forever! That would be so wonderful.

Today was tough emotionally... I feel like I've been here for a long time, although it hasn't really been that long, compared to other hospital stays. Having your doctor get mad at you and walk out in the middle of a sentence is pretty disconcerting, too. I know I'm getting better, but it's just hard sometimes.

Last night, I was reading Psalm 90 and 91... both truly great Psalms. In Psalm 90, Moses talks about our guilt before God and how our days are full of trouble and sorrow. So we are to number our days. We are to be satisfied with God's lovingkindness. I love verse 15, which says, "Make us glad according to the days you have afflicted us."

Psalm 91 talks about God's deliverance, how He answers in times of trouble, rescues us... why does He allow times of trouble and disaster? Why does He even let us be in situations where we need to be rescued? It's so that He can show us Himself. So that He can deliver us, so that He can reveal His great salvation. It's not about us, it's not about our circumstances. It's about Him, and His character, His great love and justice and mercy. And that puts things into perspective for me.

Hannah ;)

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